I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you