clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.