I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
that de-escalated quickly
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter