Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not