I had to Stop for this
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Can’t, holding a grudge
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
you gotta be faster
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.