“and how does that make you feel?”
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rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants