4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
rapatouille
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.