Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
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so i’m at the stock market right
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Practicing safe sax
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s