The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.