Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
ugh not again
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…