If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
drew a comic about my origin story
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!