If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
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3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying