I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.