Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I was bored.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad