kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.