A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.