Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
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“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.