*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”