If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”