Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.