You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
You Might Also Like
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Going to church you guys need anything
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My plans: 2020:
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.