put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between