how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.