God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Did I do this right
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Same post same
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.