If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
You Might Also Like
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.