No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
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*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“i miss shittin on people”
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.