I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
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Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.