I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.