“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I’m literally crying
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when