I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too