saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me buying fruit and veg
Oh deer
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.