Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.