I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
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*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I hate when that happens.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.