[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
cyclists
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something