I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
bro what is going on at twitter
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA