Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
You Might Also Like
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
these two trucks have the same bed length
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare