And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”