History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
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Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Autocarrot sucks!
Put a ring on it
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do