I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
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“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
This meeting could have been a cake
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.