[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.