Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
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The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Bed should get ready for ME
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.