I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
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Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.