I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.