me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
You Might Also Like
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Neighbor鈥檚 garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The word r茅sum茅 has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn鈥檛 that kind of tasting.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 饾槼饾槮饾樁饾槾饾槩饾槪饾槶饾槮 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I don鈥檛 need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid鈥檚 sole understanding of current events isn鈥檛 constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you鈥檙e busy?
Me: *laughing*
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.