Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
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It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!