I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
You Might Also Like
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
True.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.