Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Bootstraps
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.