Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that