Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
i wish we could shoplift online
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
ibopfufen
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*