Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
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Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”